TWISTED
KNICKERS–The pubegate files
This is a true story.!!!!
It hinges around despicable rumours concerning my alleged lack of underwear,
the culture of suburban white middleclass bellydance and the spiritual and
social insights that I have gained from the whole saga. My mate Jen has coded the whole episode as ’pubegate’. You
are soon to see why. As it contains some negative elements I just need to
make this clear. I have met such wonderful; people through belly dance and
I am blessed to have been invited to perform at many big shows and events. I am
very grateful for all the people that have invited me to perform/gave me TV
radio/written exposure. I am so grateful to my students (many have become
friends) For making my classes/workshops so much fun. My advanced students are a credit to me and are so focused and hard working I am grateful for
their loyalty and support. I am also eternally grateful for all the emails
and letters and cards people take the time to send me, which often say such
kind things. I have so much to be grateful for. My little girl makes me so
proud in so many ways. My guy helps me to be the person I am, by treating
me like a Goddess- eulogising me with his photography editing my work and
encouraging me with my dancing. A film school graduate and muli-media MA he
is fantastic at filming and photography- documenting my projects and giving
me feed back on new dance material. (Where he is always a willing observer!)
One of the best things about
teaching is being in a position to make women feel more confident. My classes
have a fantastic atmosphere and I love my students. As well as my national
and international shows I have brought out a video, CD and website and have
been published. It seems that once one gets any type of exposure it stimulates
a response in some people to try to bring you down a peg or two. We have all
seen the sadistic annihilation of celebrities in the gutter press. They do
it because a certain sizable strata of the population. enjoy reading it. I
read the Guardian. However tabloids I
find on the train are hard to resist some times. Unfortunately, vile remarks
about people seem to draw our attention. However it is a waste of life to
focus on banalities such as the size of some famous persons arse or putting
our attention on some celebrity sexual
misdemeanour. Why do we care about people we have never even met. If you go
along with the premise- you are where your attention takes you, you may wish
to ask ,-do I really want to be ugly or meaningless things?
A depressing side of human nature is this preoccupation with meaningless
titalation. So many of us snigger at salacious pictures in the media ,- salivating
over exposed knickers or sexual parts
accidentally revealed and snapped by the predatory paparatsi. I have also
been the victim of this phenomena, unfortunately not on the grand scale of
the national gutterpress Sun/ Sport etc, but in the tiny weenie goldfish bowl
of local bellydance. I have been amazed
at the ferocity and group effort from some of the other bellydance teachers/dancers
(many are my mothers age or older ) in my area. I remind my self of one of
my favourite quotes, -‘One of the most important things about being a self
actualised person is to be’ independent of the good opinion of others’ Abraham
Maslow (*1). In fact Maslow said it was the most important thing. I can’t imagine why people I hardly know
should be concerned about my dance career, the clothes I wear and the language
I use. It reminds me of how homophobes get angry at what two consenting same
sex adults do in bed. How can it possibly concern them? Strangely all the amateur performances get
given the thumbs up. It seems only professional dancers are the focus of bad
press from people who I hasten to add are amateur dancers themselves not professional
journalists. Who do it for free, usually not in the most journalistic of styles.
Being from a family of successful professional dancers, musicians and agents ,shows and performance
have, always been a part of my life. Bellydance is one of those things like
am dram , where amateurs can get on stage and perform. Which is great. However
it is amazing as a psychologist to watch the dynamics of women performing
bellydance together . Women who have a lot going on in life enjoy the stress
relief and female solidarity aspect ,they can include it in with their other
interests and hobbies. For some women it becomes the focus of
their social life. They fall into the many of the stereotypes of negative
female behaviour-bitchiness, Judgement and moral evaluation of other females.
It seems that they often form mutual appreciation societies like young girls,
which is nice if not some times unrealistic. However if you are a bellydancer
to be a fantasist I suppose it is all part of it .
However, I do think that while bellydance should be for anyone these little groups can become organs to rubbish
the competition.( This reminds me of midsummer murders to extinguish the superior
jam maker.)The hate club formed to drive me to dementia , suicide or artistic
oblivion adopted a variety of tactics. -Writing in amateur photocopied journals
the most heinous things imaginable. E.g. I was a total slag who
wore no Knickers, flashed my fanny deliberately to children, was little
more than a pole dancer etc, etc. The general consensus of the’ lets burn
the witch called Ishtar club’. Was that I was a bully who all the gang hated,
spoke ‘common’, has had had a tit job, did the moves ‘wrong’
Seemed nice but I was not .My articles /letters were
written by my boyfriend because I am illiterate and he (by all accounts) decides
everything I do (so I am not a proper feminist.) Generally to this small group
of mature women ,I am an all round bad egg! As well as this they waited for
me outside my class , so students could hear them screaming that I flashed
my fanny in front of kids.!!!(really) My students (some middle eastern) thought
that they were mad and gave me a lot of support. The list of hysterical and
obsessed accusations seemed to build up to a crescendo of uncontrollable hysteria.
Some people in the hate club (which I affectionately call “The Hens”) had
never even met me. Then there were the emails and letters most anonymous.
One email (pre-pubegate, coming soon.)
kindly advised me that I should ‘wax my piss flaps.’ (ouch!) What fascinated
me is how did this woman know that I have a hairy fanny??? I do shave my bikini
line (for all those interested in my fanny habits!) I can only think she must
have pretended to tie her shoelaces so she could look up my skirt.
A gig at the Bluecoat
(*2) last year gave them the hard evidence that they had wished for. They
manifested a picture of my pubes, exposed for roughly 4 seconds during a back
bend, photographed by one the hens’ husbands and sent to the Bluecoat arts
centre where I taught, to get rid
of me. (One of the hens had been teaching there.) Various meetings ensued.(code
name-pubegate) I found out , hen Sue Reed (inner circle of poultry) had complained
about me. She runs a small scale amateur ‘magazine’ (she‘s got to do some
thing to get mates!) had complained along with C.Cheung (photographers wife-Both
mates with Caroline) giving Carline Wright (chief hen and organiser of the
community dance show I performed in )the sadistic pleasure of phoning me at
home when my young daughter was in the room to say ,-
-“ I ‘v ad complains that yer had no knickers on to spoil the show”.
What? But Caroline I was
standing in the dressing room chatting with nothing on but a
pair of black diamante g- strings , ask any one
‘I’ ll see into that “she said’(was she really going to interview
people to find out if I was wearing knickers or not ???-)
I blanched as I asked so ‘what can you see?’ I beckoned my partner
Pete nearer to the phone so he could listen
“I can see yer pubes, I can see yer vulva , I can see yer lips.”
she spat the words out with delight.
Gulp!! I felt sick OH my God really. Well all I can think of is
that my G-string slipped.
“I can’t see no string”
came the surely response.
She suggested that I write a letter to the Bluecoat to apologise
so I did.
I was relieved when I did see the photo which was really quite
beautiful. Me in a very low back bend, a few pubic hairs (visible if you looked
really close-hens have good eyes for pecking at small things) adorned with
a variety of beads in red blue and gold. G-string clearly on the top of my
thigh. I would have loved a copy of this exhibition quality print). I did
not see it to be crude at all. The Bluecoat told me that Caroline had no right
to make that phone call, it was not her business .
So what did my mates think about all this? Most of them tried to
keep a straight face when I told them , then burst out laughing (bastards.)
Perhaps it’s the way I tell em !.However some of my male friends (Liverpool
lads) wanted to beat the shit out of the photographer. I stopped them because
I really did not think it was his fault, His wife was the one who decided
to show it around and bad mouth me, it was an artistic shot I can understand
as an artist why he took it. I can also understand as a woman why his wife
did not like it. But behaving in such an unbelievably childish and cruel way
is beyond me. Lots of my friends who were there wrote letters of support.
Not one person I asked at the show had seen a thing. (then again their eyes
would not have been glued to my sex organs) I was so glad to have my friends
then, I really appreciated how educated
, intelligent busy .and talented they
all are. I could not imagine any of them ranting over another woman’s fanny
and gloating over an embarrassing accident. I still have the Bluecoat letter,
which says that they concluded their
investigation by saying they believed the flash to be an accident, and that
Caroline Wright and Kathy Cheung were’ under investigation’. However I never
received a conclusion to this. Strange
to me is the assertion that I did it ‘deliberately to spoil the show.(They
all screeched this in Sue Reeds mag)’ Yeah right, I will ruin my whole social,
moral and artistic standing including work in schools women’s aid etc., just
so I can vent my perceived spite at whom? I don’t even know. I attended this
show with my students (one is still at school) in good faith. I thought the
organisers would be pleased that a professional dancer attended this type
of event. The rationale for the no knickers nonsense photograph, was that
I would ‘deny it’ so the’ evidence’ was essential. Strangely the photographers
web site documenting the event contained about 40 pictures of me, where as
everyone else had two or three (he is a good photographer). So much of their
time must have been wasted in this campaign , letters, meetings, rants over
sherries. There are some expressions that spring to mind ‘judge lest thou
not be judged, People who live in glass houses … and those who have not sinned
cast the first stone. I did try to reason with them, but like
tabloid readers , they would rather immerse themselves in scurrilous
accusations and enjoy the feeding frenzy, rather than choosing indifference..
Apparently my Fanny was the star of the show since it was talked about more
than anything else.(Jen again)
Before this incident I got approached by the Bluecoat and got asked
to put forward my own projects. This included a gig by Liverpool musicians(some
middle eastern) and a gig by Fiazer a Liverpool Arab who has done a good deal
of public speaking and poetry gigs.
A little bird must have put them off because. It ended up with an invite for
just me and my students at an amateur performance. I did it so my students
could take part.
This
issue was preceded by a
torrent of emails From
Caroline threatening me to a ‘public cat fight ‘The content of the emails
generally explained that she was better than me and that she knew people ‘in
organisations who did not like me’ and I better shut my face or else. She
got her public cat fight at a meeting at the Bluecoat arts centre. She stormed out
saying that it was an. ‘equal ops issue.’ I did not understand quite what
she meant. Apparently when the photo was produced I could ‘not be trusted’
because I am ‘trouble’ I may have tried to steal the picture of myself showing
my pubes! Nice as it was I do like to conduct my self with dignity and I did
try to resolve the issue. When I asked
about the pubes/vulva/lips phone call she point blank lied. She said she never
said any such thing and had been ‘very supportive to me’. .ooook.
Personal growth guru Wayne Dwyer says that who ever squeezes an
orange will get orange juice .if some one squeezes you what comes out is
you. We all project our stuff onto others. How we judge people is ultimately
an insight into our own self-judgement. .
I remember this when I recall the vile cacophony of insults. I pretend to be spiritual I am ‘not really’ I am by all
accounts ‘a disgrace’ One woman emailed me to say that I talk a lot of’ psychobabble’ and my ‘spelling
and grammar suck’ Oh dear. Apparently I bring down the ‘beautiful dance ‘
It is for ‘ladies’(like the ones off Little Britain) and sadly I don’t qualify.
I hate any type of fundamentalism
and moralising. Morals are social constructs and vary even within subcultures,
they are not absolutes and to an evolved person truly wicked vindictive behaviour
would seem more immoral than a quick accidental flash of ones pubes. (believe
me you have seen more on the beach/at the baths.)
In groups there are rules and norms to be a part of the group . These
are important cohesive forces. On the negative side one must follow the party
line or exclusion from the group may result. This means that people often
subjugate their own truth to fit in. Within the arts like everything else
there is a division of conservative and radical ideologies. I like to think
that most artists are bohemian, and individualist. Artists do not by definition
fit with a ‘proper’ approved of job unless you become rich and famous. Most
people I know who are artists have lives like roller coaster rides. Artists
are brave people who are in the business of exposing their soul. Often I get
phone calls from dancers but also people from other creative genres saying
‘I can’t go on I feel like I can’t do it any more’. This is usually because
they are sensitive people who carry on despite criticism because creativity
is how they interface with the world. I know because I too have often made
this phone call to them, many times. In dance like guitar playing and painting
good technique is essential. However if it is just moves, notes, or brush
strokes it is not art.. What make s gifted creative people is soul and passion.
It is the integrity and truth that goes into the work,
that is not about replicating what some one else does , but rather
is about connecting to spirit through individuality.
I am relieved that I have always lived an off the wall bohemian
life. If I died I would hate people to only be able to say things like,- ‘she always kept out of trouble ‘or she was
a ‘loyal employee to the bank since she was 16’.I know every one would have
a story to tell about me that was mad and funny. As a social scientist
I love to immerse in different cultures performing belly dancing has really
made me meet a lot of different types of people. I have been in the strangest situations-,some
very interesting some weird some amazing. I have gained a deeper insight into
humanity from each one. I am quite
a subversive person with a background in political activism, illicit substances,
rock n’roll and intellectualism. Trying to fit in to the suburban bellydance
scene being (at the time) a single
parent in a flat in the roughest area of Liverpool was hard. I hadn’t a clue
about the cheeses in Sainsbury’s because at the time, I could only afford
to shop at Aldi (Which was across the road). My connection between belly dance
and feminism went down like lead balloon. My idealism sniggered at. My connection
to shamanism considered a sign of mental illness My Goddess spirituality wacky’.
I was invited to a party of a local teacher and ‘witch’ me and my mate turned
up stoned and giggled insanely. It was so inhibited and stiff the lights glared
and the awkward silence punctuated by only by our silly giggling My friend
Krista had had a strange feeling that
Gary from ‘Take that( remember them?) ‘Would be there. Of course he
wasn’t but we became fixated on a crystal ball reader who said her hairdresser
was called Gary (spooky) I never heard from
the hostess again till about six people emailed me to say she had copied
the content of my Goddess workshops. Which is ok but she could have given
me a credit.
This was a world ironically far more mundane than the one I come
from. My belligerent anarchistic side to my character was gaining me a
reputation for being a bad girl. There were lots of suburban’ tut tuts ‘when
I turned up to a hafla (party) run by the same NW teacher in a gym with a
black board for a back drop and small CD player to play the tracks. . Me and my mate Genie were the only ones drinking.
We got drunk and staggered out. (I needed a drink to cope)
A Liverpool poet Mohammed that I know, made the astute observation
that bellydance is the ‘new basket weaving for the middle classes.’ Perhaps
for some. Because of the things I
say on my adverts/web site I seem to attract a lot of nice people to my classes
and workshops. Many have a full varied and interesting life. Lots of artists,
musicians, healers etc. Having a none competitive atmosphere also creates
an atmosphere conjusive to learning and enjoyment. Because I am a feminist
this colours everthing I do including teaching bellydance. Some of my students
are now at professional standard and I am very proud of them. I have many
people I am also helping make a serious investigation of Goddess philosophy.
Through workshops and conversations. I am seeing women (and some men) become more integrated, stronger,
and happier and more liberated human beings.) I have also met and spoke to
lots of feisty, interesting and dynamic teachers and dancers from all over
the place. There is a growing movement in bellydance that is holistic and
integrates social justice, health , creativity ,anthropology and spirituality
with bellydance. This is why I call my style Arabesque I want to attract those
who are interested in the above .I want to cater for women who are a bit wild,
or want to be wild. I want people to be really focused on the dancing not
all the paraphernalia that goes with it. I want women to come to my classes/workshops
who want to laugh, be healed and be sisters.
Goddess philosophy is so realistic and so appropriate for this time. It teaches you how to respect
all people and life forms . However
the Goddesses like Sekmet kali and Ishtar teach us to conquer negative forces
which ultimately come to us through our negative thoughts about our selves.
These attract negative people to act out these thoughts. The trick is to truly
love your self. This is what I am learning.
I
suppose I just don’t fit in with the gentile Mills and Boon world of mainstream
bellydance. Comments in their news letters about everyone else seem saccharine
not unlike what one would find in the Bella or Take a Break. No one swears,
or has any interest in the masculine subjects of politics, social justice
etc. Slightly rude things make people giggle but it is all very suitable for
the Vicar at the local church hall performance. I think tribal dance is a departure from this
but I am not an expert. I am not a tribal person. I am a staunch individualist
located within a group/community. When you are in a tribe you have to do what
the collective wants, which means you are always compromising. For me you
need to do your own thing to be creative. For your personal growth you have
to walk your own unique path. You really do have to not care what THEY will
think. I am at a point were I am surrounded by so many great people who are
cool enough to let me have my own thing and I let them have theirs (*3). It’s
sad when you see corporate behaviours in the world of the arts. Art should
be for its own sake, an ethereal expression of ones soul expressed through
the heart.
One of the main ways to scare people away form me is to say that
my methods are not safe. In ten years none of my students have had one injury.
However I don’t think my class is suitable for everyone. My class is about
improving mental and physical fitness as well as learning to dance. If some
one is very overweight or has certain medical problems as with a yoga or aerobics
class , my class may not be suitable. However I am fit and healthy I am my
correct weight, have good muscle mass and no cellulite. I am as fit and flexible
as some one half my age and I am a happy person a lot of the time. If I am
an example of my work I must be doing some thing right. Because my style is
very physical (surely that’s belly dance) the policemen of bellydance, those
who love to enforce order and control have given people grim warnings of the
lack safe practice (according to them) in my video /classes/workshops.
If you have ever studied ballet, tap, Indian and Jazz dance you
will find they present serious challenges to the physique. To be a real dancer
takes dedication and stretching the limits of what you think you can physically
do. I do go easy for beginners, but I think you need to push your body to
make it look professional. You can blag bellydance performance with nice costumes,
you could never do this with ballet .A tutu would not help you to execute
the very physically challenging moves of ballet. I think the same standards
should apply to Arabic dance.
Many people who become obsessed by bellydance (collecting videos,
costumes, postcards etc) seem to use it as an escape from a mundane life.
Like swingers clubs and covens, belly dance often contains people who have
a double life, -by day maths teacher/office worker by night a more exotic
character comes to life. I don’t have a double life I am always me and what
you see is what you get.. I Have always been a bohemian and was brought up
as such My approach to belly dance is holistic, I am
an artist, if it is not dancing it is writing, painting, drawing gardening
playing and being a mother. My life and my work are one. My spirituality is
also integrated into everything I do. My past jobs include columnist for international
rock mag kerrange, holistic therapist, editor of two local arts mag’s,
and promoter for national and international rock bands, singer- songwriter-
guitar player in various bands to date.(*)
I get feedback from people daily who say kind things about what I do, not just from my belly dance students but also from my psychology students. People I have performed for, or who have read my work. I have a big circle of interesting and creative friends from diverse communities. With these people I have a laugh and quality conversations. I would hate to waste my life trying to get another human being to end theirs, by spreading disgusting lies about them. Why do they do it? Lots of them have said that I have nothing for them to be jealous about as I am ‘unattractive’ (one email wrote to say my pics and video has been doctored because in real life I look like a hirsute toddler’ apparently I can’t dance’, or I am just an athlete who only does cabaret wear ‘horrible costumes’. ect. Apparently everyone agrees I am horrible in every conceivable way...Most of this has been written or printed. They are apparently doing it so they can warn others . Apparently I am not even educated and lie about my psychology/women’s studies 2-1 BA. For these people who have had minimum contact with me there seems little about me that is redeeming. A certain Marion Watson who now must be well into her 70’s wrote to bellydance mag Mosaic (they kindly put it next to my advert.) to say that every one hated me including audiences. Her and the other hens in Merseyside (were she used to teach) were basically great and did lots of things and knew what they were talking about. While I was the antitheses to everything a decent British housewife should be. Nine years ago she hand delivered a letter telling me that if I did not shut up talking about the Goddess I would be bombed by Muslim fundamentalists.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am still here!! In the same issue she slagged off the most famous belly dancer there ever has been - Samia Gamal. Apparently she has’ clumpy arm movements.’(!?) The Arabs knew her as the Moth because it was said her long graceful arms reached up to heaven.) Oh well, at least I am in good company.
I had another letter hand written and about 2ooo words long ranting
about how this individual knew more than me about everthing to with belly
dancing and I did everything wrong and was a danger to everyone. OK whatever.
This person is not a happy, healthy, successful person, perhaps being twisted
like this is why. I gave out a challenge to the hens to compete (since they
are so competitive.) with me since they knew more .I asked them to stand next
to me when I am dancing and do what I do.
Surely it would give them a chance to shine ,to prove to the world
their superior skills – no-one took me up on it. When I complained about said
stuff and tried to explain how hurtful and mean it was ,I was told that I
was a ‘victim’ and that no one was interested in me anyway. Yet, most of their
publications mention me, issue after issue, verging from full blown hysteria
to a subdued middle class , housewify type of bitchery. I have kept
a file which is now quite thick, full of various printed ‘review emails and
letters about me all written by a clutch of hens who strangely all know each
other. Like hens they gain a sense of solidarity united in their contempt
for one individual. Hens have been know to collectively peck another hen to
death.
. One very childish story about me was apparently recounted to any one who would listen, by the
very beefy x-PE teacher Sue (curly??) Reed. Whilst apparently bumming the
air (by all accounts with great gusto) she says (In time with the bumming
movement) that I (apparently) say ‘ I shag the audience and they (apparently) shag me.’ Caroline told me all
of Merseyside knew this story. (I asked some people in my street if they had
heard about me shagging the audience. they just looked scared and shook their
heads.) The thing is I know I never said it because my rude jokes are witty
not puerile and I never move in
ugly ways its just not me. This must be one of the silliest things I have
not heard since I was at junior school. She also said my words simply ‘spew
out’. And their was me thinking that I was quite poetic’! I suppose when people
are campaigning to make me into an object of ridicule and obscenity people
are distracted from my dancing my philosophy and my successes.
I phoned another dancer up from Manchester. I knew there was a
group in the NW who did not like her. I had heard some things I needed to
confirm for this article . She, like me does her own thing. And gets a lot
of gigs. She is a good dancer. She told me amongst other things, about being
told to ‘get off the stage bitch’ when she was invited to dance with a Moroccan
band she knew, at a publicly funded event in Liverpool. The organiser said
the she alone could say who went on stage. This girl was understandably upset
and hurt by this. I have spoke to people nationally and internationally and
it seems hate clubs in bellydance are in fact quite common. I was shocked
,but relieved to find that it wasn’t
just me. How can a dance with such spiritual origins that is so lovely and
ethereal, that has the potential for bringing so much joy and healing, be
the subject of so much bitchiness?
Although I am an international dancer strangely no one else seems
to have made the criticisms brought up by the hens. I have a performance group
of creative intelligent women (about 30) but much more over the years. I have
fallen out with a couple of people but generally there is great feeling in
rehearsals and performances ,there is a lot of support and bitching is something
that none of us find acceptable. For me nothing good comes of it and I want
everyone to have a good time. We are in it for the dancing primarily. I have
had so much kindness and good feedback from my students. I love making people
happy and making them feel better. I know I have done this. A Buddhist nun
who was one of the most amazing people I have met said my energy fields are
naturally healing to people. I really hope that I can reach people through
dancing and make them feel better. I think healing abilities stem from intentions
they are not elitist, any one, if they want to can make other people feel
better.
I suppose we all exist on certain level s of consciousness. I am
a Gnostic Goddess worshipper. I have no time or indeed energy for hate campaigns
against other people, which would be a precious waste of my life. I also think
that what we put out we get back. I have written this because lets face it,
it is an interesting read. I
was amazed to find that the pubegate saga was being passed on to a far reaching
circle of people and was reportedly the subject of great hilarity in the Royal
Academy in London! I also knew some one who is mates with the lead singer
of Status Quo and he is supposed to have told Bono from U2 who is supposed to have said that he wanted to meet
me! I am not sure if this person is winding me up because I am a Bono fan.
(5*)
I do forgive the hens. When you have seen the good you just see
ignorance rather than evil. If they took time to get to know me ,they would
realise that I love doing people favours and I always try to be enthusiastic
and happy despite a very difficult childhood
and extreme domestic violence in the past . I love to boost people’s confidence
and make women feel strong. I know what its like to suffer, some of it I believe
we can avoid. I am a lot better now
but am still working on myself. Dancing, Goddess philosophy, psychology, friends
my daughter and partner and personal growth teachers have all shown me how.
Hens if you just open up to personal improvement and spirit , they could do
the same for you.
A recent experiment (*4) proved that those people who are homophobic and go on about’ those dirty gays etc are gay. (Most clever people already knew this.) I have reasoned that as these people think about me all the time so therefore want to make a connection . Perhaps deep down they like me really. That’s so sweet. Don’t be ashamed all love is good in the eyes of the Goddess!
 |
|
Vanessa
|
I am blessed with a strong character who can take the knocks. I do tend to get on with it. My younger sister Vanessa is more sensitive than me . she is a painter. She is a great natural dancer. Sadly she no longer wants to do it as she can’t take the bitchery. Amongst other
things She heard about Marion Watson pulling us both to bits . Saying that ‘we looked a mess’ More recently a woman our mothers age who is no dancer yet was performing at a charity with Vanessa , pulled her to bits back stage than spat the word ‘shit’ in her face. Apparently it means good luck. I wonder how many other attractive talented but sensitive girls like Vanessa have had to do this .
I think all gangs of bullies are
afraid, they feel excluded so deal with this by practising exclusion they
fear ridicule. So they ridicule others. These women do not conform to the
patriarchal definition of good looking they are not young and behaviourally
and socially they are not the coolest people I have met. We all have different
priorities. I would be put off belly dancing if I was a new comer
and I read bitchy things constantly
being printed/said about some one
else. I Know that for every bad thing I get a hundred good things said. Like
most people the bad things seem to speak louder and more forcefully than the
good things . Although I am healing myself , because of my past, bad things do hurt .It amazes me when people
want to do good, it stimulates some people to try to stop them. The Buddha
was asked by one of his followers ‘How can you be so tolerant and loving ,
in the face of the ugly lies and bad
things said about you by your enemies?’ He replied ‘If some one gives me a
present and I do not accept it who then does it belong to?’ I am learning
not to accept and let in the bad things that come from the misguided hens,
or any one else who feels the need to categorise me as some thing bad.
The
feminist writer Mary Daily has subverted language so all the offensive things
people call women become terms of endearment. Perhaps I should use Daily ‘s
translation to reinterpret the names the hens have called me and transmutate
them into compliments. I am not prepared any more to make what others do or
say be the source of my emotional status.
.
Well
this cathartic piece of work will end soon.. I know that everything happens
for a reason, perhaps it is so I can tell this story . . What is the lesson
for me in all this? Where pubegate is concerned is it simply.- ‘Never perform
for your enemies wearing a g-string
and doing floor work in a split licra
skirt? Or is it something deep and profound? I know when you undertake a spiritual
path dark forces react to try to stop you. In kabala they call it the ‘opponent’
who raises the bar with challenges to encourage you to try harder. In Kabbalistic
philosophy they warn against reactive behaviour, even when provoked because
this just propagates the energy of chaos. I must remember that what ever happens
I will dance, and indeed live in beauty and truth and remember that my aim
is to serve.
The
thing is spiritual bellydance celebrates a holistic connection between humanity
and the rest of the cosmos. I have termed the moves as being a ‘sacred geometry’
I do believe we are all one and when we hurt others we ultimately input into
the universal chaos. Bellydance can heal but only if that is your intention.
It can connect you with others if that is what you want. For me the moves
of bellydance are the spiritual discipline
and Goddess philosophy is the theory. Like Yoga and the ancient Indian texts
such as the Bagad Gita . Abraham
(www.abraham-hicks) talks of the ‘Law of allowing’ if we all followed
this principle we would all be really acting from our truth without fear or
sanctions. If we come from spirit the only things that we will want to do
will be good things. The Native Americans say ‘ No tree would foolish enough
to have branches that fight with each other’ the ancient Egyptian religious
text defines the principle of spiritual unity succinctly. -‘I am all which
is, I am all is , that was and what will be. No mortal man
has lifted my veil. To me all things owe their existence.’
Know one is ever admired for being weak or being a sheep. Bullies
never win any ones heart from their ugly behaviour. I think of my many idols
from the worlds of spirit, art, dance, film, music and literature. I don’t
admire any of them for following the rules , dotting the I’s and crossing
the T’s. They are all shining because they do their own thing. I don’t let
prudes, fundamentalists or bitches choose my clothes or my ideology. My main
rule for me is , do no evil but fight back if you have to. I think to really
shine you have to be your self. My Nana (who was a world class dancer she died 25 years ago when I
was little.) said to me when I was eight after she gave me my first dance
lesson that that if I wanted to be like her and have a dressing room full
of flowers I must be my self. People will not like you who ever you are. In
this business there is lot of jealousy and people will play all kinds of games
to stop you from shining. She’s right - Mother Teresa, Buddha Gandhi and Jesus
all had enemies who wanted them dead. What chance have I got?
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Little Supple
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My Nana ‘Little Supple’ was an innovator who invented a glass stage
to dance that she danced on. When
the bullying got really bad, I had a dream about my Nana, she was dancing
next to me and she said, ‘ those who have a heart will know what you are saying’.
I really hope that any one who reads this who is or has been in
a similar position in any area of
life will gain some thing good from what I have written.
This story whilst painful and disturbing for me, has also provided
amusement , fascination and data.
I hope that some how it will help me with my personal growth and my spiritual
quest, which is the meaning of everything I do. Anyway if it has made people
laugh and provided amusement that is something. Rumi says ‘Out there is a
field where there is no right doing or wrong doing I will meet you there’.
Blessings and love to you all.
ISHTAR X
*1 One of the leaders and instigators of the personal growth movement.
He designed the hierarchy of needs.
*2-One of the biggest arts centres in Merseyside who host the Arabic
Arts festival. Closed now for refurbishment. I used to teach there for five
years.
- 3You
can go and meet some of my creative friends in the circle of Ishtar.
- *4.Listen
to mp3s on the music section
*5 I am so sorry but forgot source and can’t be bothered looking.
A loop is tied to the willy of the man he is then shown gay porn, movement
of the willy measures arousal. Try putting key words into Google.
*6 I know Bono is an amazing guy and has a lot more important things
to discuss than this silly and ridiculous issue.